Jokes II

[Pablo]

[Chaz]

[Samadhi]

_________________
And he lived happily ever after. Except for the dieing at the end and the heartbreak in between.

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[The Doctor]

[Dragon Phoenix]

John woke up New Years Day with a splitting hangover. He asked his wife if he had made a fool of himself.

"You sure did. You got up on the table and started dancing.", she says.

"Aww, crap.", he mumbles.

"You did, all over the furniture. We're never going back to the Smith's".

"Well piss them", he retorts.

"You did. All over your boss. You're fired."

"Well screw him. "

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.
_________________
My photography:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/artrock2006/

[*AnonymousGuest*]

I used to own a snail. The trouble was, he didn't move fast enough for my liking, so I prised his shell off. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

[FamiliarButUninvited*]

I used to own a really smart duck. But I got tired of his constant wise quacks so I hired a hit man to kidnap and 'silence' him. I said I wouldn't pay until I had evidence the job was completed.

He sent me the bill, so I paid him.

[Chuck]

[Samadhi]

An explorer is making his way through thick jungle with his guide. Suddenly drums start up.
Unnerved he asks his host, "What do those drums mean"?
"Nothin'".
Exploring further, the drums got louder, rhythms complex. Native women danced with their cheap jewelry and wanton hips.
The drums grew louder.
"Make the drums stop"! He cried, shaken.

"Oh no, no, no," the guide said shaking his head. "You don't want that!"

"Pray God why not!"

"Because.." "...that's when the bass solo starts!"
_________________
And he lived happily ever after. Except for the dieing at the end and the heartbreak in between.

[Mr Nigma]

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre!
_________________
Freedom is not free

[MatthewV]

A man asks his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She says, "I would take half the money and leave your ass!"

He replies, "Good, I just won $7.00 on these scratch cards. Here's your $3.50, now get the hell out!"

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[Sentran]

Heard over my weekend pirate event:

What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?

Spoiler: A hockey player showers after 3 periods.
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Sentran
"Speaking of double negatives, I haven't read greylab yet today." - Lifeinmomland

[Quailman]

Told by Harrison Ford on Letterman last week:

A lady walked into the produce department of the grocery store and couldn't find the broccoli. She approached an employee who was stacking oranges and asked, "Excuse me, sir. Where's the broccoli?"

He answered, "I'm sorry ma'am. We sold out a little while ago. We'll have more in the morning."

She turned and walked away, but a few minutes later she came up to him again and in a bit more aggravated tone said, "Where's the broccoli?"

The produce employee remained tactful while saying, "We are all out, but we'll be getting more tomorrow morning."

She came back a third time, and got right in the employee's face and snarled, "Where's your broccoli?"

The guy said, "Let's try an exercise to help you understand. Spell cat as in catastrophe."

"C-A-T"

"Spell dog as in dogmatic."

"D-O-G"

"Spell fuck as in broccoli."

"There is no fuck in broccoli."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

[Chuck]

[Samadhi]

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it".

2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'"

She said, "'No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?
_________________
And he lived happily ever after. Except for the dieing at the end and the heartbreak in between.

[Scurra]

A Centurion walks into a bar.
"Give me a martinus" he says.
"Don't you mean a martini?" asks the barman.
"If I'd wanted a double, I'd have asked for one."
_________________
_{still Quiz Olympiad champion. Must get a life.
New definitions: COFFEE - someone who is coughed upon}

[MatthewV]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said," That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."

[jesus_saves]

That's how I run my marriage, MV. :-p

[Jack_Ian]

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

Now I do it in ten..."

[MNOWAX]

WINNAR! Where did you get that one from?
_________________
The Man The Myth The Legend
MNOWAX

[Chuck]

[Gomez*]

Gave the postman a scare this morning by going to the door with no clothes on.

I don't know what upset him the most, the fact that I was naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.

[Jack_Ian]

I love this time of year. You can slam your laptop shut when your girlfriend walks into the room and you don't get any disgusted looks.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

[Chuck]

[jesternl]

At his checkup, Schwartz asks the doctor, "Do you think I’ll live to 100? I don’t smoke or drink or eat rich food or have sex with loose women."

"So why would you want to live to 100?"

[Gomez*]

The veteran actor and director turned to me and said, "You know what they say, you should never work with children or animals."

"That's an old theatre saying, isn't it?" I replied.

"No, it's what the police told us when we did your background check."

[Scurra]

Excellent, Gomez.
I rather liked this one, which was part of a stand-up routine by Henning Wehn, who is a German comic largely working in the UK. His act is mostly based around standard stereotype jokes but his background adds a nice twist - as in this case, which was a comment on religious sectarianism.

I can't understand why you have Protestants hating Catholics and Catholics hating Protestants. In Germany all the Christians are united. We all hate the Muslims.... but that's because there aren't any Jews.
_________________
_{still Quiz Olympiad champion. Must get a life.
New definitions: COFFEE - someone who is coughed upon}

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[Zag]

[img]http://cdn.svcs.c2.uclick.com/c2/2e9e4340191d012f2fc600163e41dd5b[/img]

Rats. It won't make an image without an appropriate extension. Here's a link.

http://cdn.svcs.c2.uclick.com/c2/2e9e4340191d012f2fc600163e41dd5b

[Deception]

Posting to say the page or so I read was hilariously entertaining, and has really brightened my day. Thanks, I needed that.

[jesternl]

Obama with his anger translator, Luther
NSFW, BTW

[Chuck]