Jokes II

[Ferris]

_{Can't be having only one jokes thread - and that one locked, so in the tradition of 'Worthless News', here's the continuation:}

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."


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_{nec sorte nec fato}

[VinnyQ]

Heh, good one!

[Hitchhiker]

A psychiatrist dies peacefully in his sleep and goes to the gates of heaven. St. Peter checks his notes and says, "Who are you?" "Dr. Michael Brown," says the man. "Sorry, we don't have room for any more doctors right now." Dr. Brown turns to go, but just then St. Peter says, "Wait! Dr. Brown the podiatrist, Dr. Brown the pediatrician, or Dr. Brown the psychiatrist?" "I'm a psychiatrist," says Dr. Brown, puzzled.

"Oh good, come right in then. We have a serious problem. You see, God thinks he's HyToFry."

[quercitron]

Warning: may be slightly offensive. If so, replace 'rabbi' with 'Zoroastrian priest,' or whatever. Or just don't read jokes.

There's a minister who, every Saturday morning, goes to a small park near his house to read and contemplate God and spirituality. One day he strikes up a conversation with a rabbi who, every Saturday morning, pedals by on his bike, thinking about his sermon for the day. They become good friends and make a point of talking to each other about life and God and other good wholesome stuff.

But one day the rabbi walks by, without his bike.

"What happened to your bike?" asks the minister, concerned.

"It's terrible," says the rabbi. "It's been stolen, and what's more, I think someone from my congregation stole it."

"Oh, that's okay," says the minister. "I know a no-fail way of getting it back. You have to make your sermon today on the 10 Commandments. Build up your voice and when you get to 'Thou shalt not steal,' bang your hand down on the pulpit and look out at your congregation with hellfire in your eyes. You'll get your bike back for sure."

Sure enough, the next week the rabbi has his bike back.

"How did it go?" asks the minister, curious.

"It went great!" says the rabbi; "I got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' and I remembered where I left my bike..."

[mith]

...isn't Saturday the Sabbath?

[quercitron]

Well, yes...

[BraveHat]

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm eighty years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two eighteen-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."

And the priest says, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were at confession?"

"Never, Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm tellin' everybody!"

[Nauplius]

A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[MBA]

I'm sure we can come up with jokes better than the Official Best Joke In The World:

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
http://abcnews.go.com/sections/scitech/DailyNews/joke021003.html

[firemeboy]

From the article...

[Bicho the Inhaler]

I must say, the hunters joke is pretty damn funny (I did laugh out loud when I read it in the article), but I don't know if it's the funniest...

I like these two related jokes, told to me by professors:

(1) Every year the joketellers have a convention. Of course, everybody's telling jokes all the time, so after a while, everybody has heard every joke there is (hundreds of them), and instead of just repeating the jokes, they save time by numbering the jokes and just yell out the numbers, and everybody laughs. One year there's a new guy at the convention. He wants to make his place in the joketelling community, so he's very respectful, laughing when the veteran joketellers yell out their numbers and whatnot. Eventually, he decides he wants to try one himself, so he thinks of the funniest joke he knows, and at an opportune moment, he shouts: "346!" But nobody laughs, and there's dead silence. Of course, the newcomer is shocked, so he says "What's wrong? I thought 346 was extremely funny!" And an old-timer replies: "it's all in how you tell it!"

(2) The joketellers are really living it up at the joketellers convention, just yelling out numbers and having a great time. Someone will yell out "231!" and everybody laughs...then someone'll shout "430!" and there'll be laughs all around, or someone calls out "680!" and everyone laughs. One guy, though, is getting tired of hearing these same jokes all the time, so he decides to just yell a random number and see if anyone notices that it wasn't a joke. So he yells: "873!" But there's no joke #873, so nobody laughs at all...except one person, who's rolling on the floor laughing hysterically. Someone asks him "what's so funny?", and he replies "I've never heard that one before!"

Maybe that qualifies as "off-beat surreal humor."

[Borodog]

"326!"

Dead silence.

"Way to go, jackass. Kowalski's Polish."


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Insert humorous sig here.

[Hitchhiker]

At the same convention, Charlie says,"513!"

a smattering of polite laughter

(whispered aside) "Charlie never could do accents."

[Mikko]

There are only 10 kind of people: Those who understand binary numbers and those who don't.

[Will]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[Arminger]

Well that just clinches it, now we have a definite winner...

Will, congratulations you are the biggest joke in this thread, you should be proud...

Arminger

[x-tal]

Two hunters walk in the forest. One of them goes to pee and a snake bites him at his...yes, exactly there. He falls down screaming and when the other hunter realises what happened calls a doctor with his mobile to ask what to do. The doctor asks him to describe the snake. After the description he says that this kind is a very poisonous snake and the poison must be immediately removed from the wound and the only way is by sucking in the wound. The bitten hunter, terrified asks:
- Well what did the doctor say, tell me please!
His friend answers:
- He said that you are in really big trouble..

[Pablo]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, some orange juice, and a package of bacon. As she was loading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled, but intrigued, looked at her four items on
the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how on earth did you know that?
The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."

[mikegoo]

A young polar bear is talking to his mom one day.

Young Bear: Mom am I a pure polar bear?

Mom Bear: Uhh, yeah.

Young Bear: Are you sure? Not any kodiak or grizzly mixed in?

Mom Bear: Not a bit. Me and your dad are both pure polar bears from long lines of pure polar bears. You are a polar bear.

Young Bear: Ok...so no koala or panda either then?

Mom Bear: NO! You are a polar bear plain and simple. Why do you keep asking?

Young Bear: Becuase I'm fucking cold!


When telling the joke the invisible word does improve the results.

[VinnyQ]

mikegoo, I think the rule of thumbs for the Jokes threads is that you're free to use cuss words. You should see some of the more colorful jokes posted in the last thread

[This message has been edited by VinnyQ (edited 10-05-2002 12:24 AM).]

[Dread Pirate Westley]

Mikko, the line is

------------------
There are 10 kinds of people. Those who understand binary and those who can't count.

[firemeboy]

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said
women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife that he
had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he
showed her the study results.

It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use
30,000." The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her
husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."

The husband said, "What?"

[Dragon Phoenix]

This reminds me of a real story (no joke).

The wife of my boss once went into a Singapore book store to buy a bestseller. She asks: "do you have why men don't listen and women can't read maps?" The guy behind the counter starts typing in the title in his computer and says: "Sorry, that book does not exist". Stunned silence. Then she asks: "Are you sure?" "Yes, I type in the title Why women can't read maps and I get no results". Patiently, she sais: "No, the title is WHY MEN DON'T LISTEN..."

[Aarondalf]

That is a very good book by the way. It has gotten me into alot of trouble with members of the opposite sex, but was well worth it.

[Chuck]

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

[Chuck]

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."

[Chuck]

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old produce guy and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

[Chuck]

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.

"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

"It's my direct line to the Lord!"

The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.

He checks the counter on the phone and says: "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira."

The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.

A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official "visit". In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.

The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.

The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!"

The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!"

The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."

[Chuck]

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie appeared in a puff of smoke and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish, when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You *have* had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes.

You have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck.

I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever.

"That was your first wish, too."

[The Doctor]

I have been LMAO during this entire thread! I do just want to let Hitchhiker know that her's is brilliant.

Those "875!" jokes are great, too. I bought a book called "The Mammoth Book of Humor" and have read certainly every story-joke. For a few months, I honostly couldn't listen to a single joke without fake laughing at the end because I'd read it at least once. But so far, this thread has supplied me with almost all new jokes.




This one's not bad: This guy was on a plane, and sitting next to him was a parrot. The parrot said nothing until the stewardess came by: the man ordered a coffee, but the bird squalked, "Get me a brandy, you stupid cow!" The stewardess was taken aback by such rudeness and forgot about the man's coffee and promptly got the parrot's brandy.

When she came by a few minutes later, the guy reminded her that he hadn't gotten his coffee, but immediately after the words left his mouth, the parrot yelled, "Get me another brandy, you lazy mare!" Flustered, she again got the brandy and forgot about the man.

The guy by this time was getting rather peeved and so he decided to adopt the parrot's approach . When she came by again, he said, "Get me a coffee, you damned whore!"

"That's IT!" she yelled, and before he knew what was happening, he and the parrot were thrown out of the plane by two burly stewards. As they plummeted to the ground, the parrot turned to the guy and said, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a lippy bastard."



[This message has been edited by The Doctor (edited 10-13-2002 03:43 PM).]

[mathgrant]

Chuck's a better joke teller than that.

------------------
GL DPWestley: I had my backspace key removed and a beverage dispenser pur in it's place. See? I can't go back and fix "put."
GLmathgrant: I once was banned from a M:TG tourney for bringing over 50 banned cards! They were Ace of Clubs, Ace of Diamonds, Ace of Hearts, Ace of Spades, 2 of Clubs. . .

[Chuck]

All the good jokes I could find are in the first joke thread.

[Chuck]

Ted Kennedy,Bill Clinton and Dan Quale compeat in a spelling Bee.
The question is : “How is spelt the word >>HARASS<<”
Guess who wins?

Answer: Dan Quale because he is the only one who understands that >>HARASS<< is only one word.

[Chuck]

A young man is lost and walking in the desert.

One hot day, he spots the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.

The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out, he sees the missionaries horse. He goes back into the house and asks the him if he could borrow his horse.

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say `Thank God' to make it go and `Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees a cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.

"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"

Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops four inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God!"

[mathgrant]

Dan Quayle lost because he couldn't spell his last name!

[Pablo]

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there? The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits? Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says,"See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

[firemeboy]

I posted this in the Christianity topic, but thought I should put it here as well...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better at
using the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of
hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, " I am going to set up a
test which will take two hours and it will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
They did every known job.

But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the
electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted
their computers.

Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all
gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the
past two hours.

Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How
did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves".

[Chuck]

An extremely clever professor at the Ohio State was unhappy that his 192 I.Q. meant that he just couldn't relate to the average person. So, he invented a machine to reduce brain capacity. He asked a friend (who had an I.Q. of only 174) if he would help him out. They set the machine up, wired it to the professor's temples, and then they were ready to go. "Remember to switch the machine off when the monitor reads 150." said the professor. His friend started the machine, and the digital readout started to fall to the tune of loud beeps at each change -- 196, 195, 194, etc. The doorbell then rang he decided to go answer the door. After 15 minutes with a door-to-door salesman, he closed the door. As he made his way upstairs, he heard the beeps of the I.Q. machine and horror overcame him. He ran upstairs, burst in through the door and sees the monitor -- 9, 8, 7, 6, etc. He dove for the machine and switched it off. The monitor read only 4. Slowly the professor sits up in his seat and looked at his friend blankly. The professor then suddenly lifts his arms into the air, and says, "How `bout those Browns?!?"

[Bicho the Inhaler]

[aside]Come on, Chuck, that one's definitely below your standards. There's no subtlety at all. Pretty ironic for a joke that tries to make fun of stupidity to be so lacking in cleverness itself?

Well, I should say, unless it's actually reeeeeeally subtle...[/aside]

[Qball]

~Qball puts the machine on his own head and sets it to shutoff at "0". Suddenly he wakes up and says:

"Come on, Chuck, that one's definitely below your standards. There's no subtlety at all. Pretty ironic for a joke that tries to make fun of stupidity to be so lacking in cleverness itself?
Well, I should say, unless it's actually reeeeeeally subtle."

~~hopes he remembers to put it back on ...~~